Venting

In a god awful mood today. Not a bad mood, just feeling kinda low. I should be happy. You know that's a really stupid phrase. I should be happy. Why? Why should I be. What's wrong with feeling a bit down occasionally. Yes, I have a new job and so far it's going great. Their really happy with my progress and I've made a lot or new friends. Yet somehow I keep thinking it's all going to end. I think I've lost my confidence in myself and I'm not sure how to get it back. The film isn't helping. I went into this batch of filming saying it wouldn't be the same as before but no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to be enough. Why can't people just do what they say they'll do. I spend ages phoning, texting, emailing people trying to organise a shoot but someone always let's me down. And when I finally get onto set all I get is attitude about how it's my fault. Back chat and catty comments about how cheesy the script is. I don't care. I wrote this script. It's the longest piece of writing I've done. I like it. They simply don't get how complicated it is to arrange these shoots. We are so close to finishing. It's nearly done and I know that no matter how hard I work on the edit if it doesn't look like some Hollywood epic then it won't be good enough. The fact is this film was made cheaply, and it will look like it's been made cheaply. I'm not saying it won't be good, I think it will be but it won't be good enough for some people. I don't know why the hell I'm writing this and posting it. It's probably going to come back and bite me on the ass one day but frankly I don't care. All the digs, the comments, the looks of total contempt, all of them are hard to take. I'm doing this on my own now. There's no one to help or support. It's just me and sometimes it's just too much to take. I get sick of it too. I hate having to spend my lunch rearranging things because someone's cancelled or the location isn't available. I'm tired of trying to find out just when everyone will be available. I'm fed up of emailing and getting no reply. It doesn't help that I'm not feeling well either. I'm tired all the time, I'm throwing up in the mornings, and I can't sleep. I need a break from it all. Just to get away for a while and be on my own. It's won't happen though but it would be nice. I'd settle for someone just to say "thanks" or " good job" but that won't happen either. I'm on my own with this one. I think I've dug a deep enough hole for now so, cya later!

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